if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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