Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
