you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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