If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
