The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think people are normalizing furries
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
