yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
