It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
