Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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