I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
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Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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