I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
now i know why i became what i already was.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
