I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
