Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
