ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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