everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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