He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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