How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
