She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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