so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
