I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
