Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
