I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
