Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
