So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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