i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My life is pants optional.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
