i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
