yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
