I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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