i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
