I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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