Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
