1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
