Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
