yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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