I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
