I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
