I smell stomach acid.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
