Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
