my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
