My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?