woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?