the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time