You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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