At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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