Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
