I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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