Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
