I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
