I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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