Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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