How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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