I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
