never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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