I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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