its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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