I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
