Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
